Welcome to another Feature Friday this week you get to learn a little more about Colleen she was sweet enough to share her amazing journey with all of us ....enjoy, you will be inspired :)
Here’s My Story: I’m 36 years old, married for 6 years and we have 2 cats. My hubby and I have been together since 2000. I have a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, but I haven’t practiced in a long time; gave it up for personal reasons. I played volleyball in high school and still do occasionally. I’m a big fan of weight-lifting (shocker!), in-line skating, backpacking, flexibility movements of all types and just about anything that will keep me fit (except for long distance running). If my life could be summed up in a music title, I think it would be “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus. And if a movie could describe overall how I’ve felt about my life up until now, it would be probably be “Waiting to Exhale”, but with a sequel called “And She Finally Has.”
My story is probably not that much different than yours: A kid who grew up gaining weight, developed body image issues that hid underneath some false self-confidence and became a “dieting expert” over the last 20 years. I’ve probably lost about 500 pounds in my lifetime. You know how it goes -- lose 50, gain 20…lose 30, gain 40…lose 40, gain 50. You get the point. Dieting on and off just became a way of life, all that I knew. If I wrote a diet book based on my experiences, it would be about what NOT TO DO when dieting because I’ve done it all. My first diet I can ever remember (started by my parents), I was 10 years old. I wasn’t that overweight, but I think my parents were trying to help in general so it doesn’t get out of control. It had the opposite effect as I learned most of my unhealthy habits with food/dieting from those who thought they knew too.
Yo-yo dieting was a way of life for me and from that, a binge eating disorder developed slowly over the years, hiding behind emotional and sometimes painful issues stemming from childhood. You know the one, where you inhale everything insight, despite being full and stomach hurting so badly that you can’t lay down or stand up and even to the point you think about purging it all, but don’t, and swear you’ll never do it again! I grew up with many interesting family dynamics, (i.e. parents with an open marriage) and over time, some emotional issues developed and slowly manifested into a spiral effect of bad eating/binging type behaviors. Actually, despite my unconventional upbringing, I’m actually well-grounded overall.
I knew something wasn’t right with the way I ate at times, but didn’t know it had a name. It was probably 3 years ago that I started to recognize it more and then realized I had a MAJOR problem with it when I started training for my first bikini competition in 2011. Because I had already emerged myself into health a fitness for several years by then and taking on a different path with it, I was forced to deal with my emotional binging issue head on (like the panic attacks it would cause me knowing I was going to a party or buffet) . What made me realize it was a bigger problem than once thought were the programmed “cheat meals” while training. Only, they weren’t structured – I was told by my trainer, “eat as much as you can, take a small break, and then eat some more.” Wow, sounds like my ultimate dream came true, right? Little did he realize who he was dealing with because this chic can eat!! My 2x a week “cheat meals” were not working for me (shocker!) as I would totally overeat and undo all the hard work for the week, then wallow in self-pity, anger and berate my body/metabolism for turning against me. So I began self-regulating on my own, going from 2x a week, down to 1x per, then none at all because I just knew I didn’t have a handle on them. Some of you may even remember me posting my struggles late last year at times, while I was battling my inner demons on binge eating and trying to sort out the murkiness of it all.
Since I’ve been overweight almost all my life, I hid behind certain types of clothing too. Ashamed of my hefty legs, I haven’t wore short in 20 years, even in hot weather (I still haven’t yet, but I wear capris) or bathing suits, even one a one-piece (but I am getting better wearing a bikini now in my house). I’ve missed events because I was ashamed of how I would look in a dress, such as my high school prom, and even attending a friend’s wedding. Over the years, I’ve let my weight hold me back from pursuing many things in life, I recognize that now. I am a fairly well-rounded person, but even I didn’t realize how much part of my self-esteem was wrapped up in my weight and the ways I let it stop me from feeling confident in my abilities in some areas (my career for starters).
In 2003, I was my heaviest at 240 pounds. Thankfully, I hid my actual weight well as no one would ever think I was 240. I was thick, not flabby and still had a small, hourglass waist with big boobs (HAHA!). My BFF lost a lot of weight through Weight Watchers, which inspired me to try and I took off 60 pounds. I was out of the 200’s, weighing 180. I actually always ate healthy prior to WW, just too much of it or wrong combinations. WW taught me portion control and what it really looks like, but of course my binging behaviors were never addressed.
My weight constantly fluctuated between 180-200 pounds, but by 2007, I got on another health kick and bought P90X and told myself I was gonna do this! (whatever that looked like). I put on my “what-was-I-thinking-when-bought-this-bikini- at- 200-pounds” and took several before pictures. GAWD, the horror when I look back at them! I did P90X for a year and while I can’t remember what I lost, I do remember gaining the non-tangibles like more confidence, strength, and commitment , which made me want more. I never followed the diet as recommended, but in hindsight, I guess I wasn’t ready to change everything just yet even though I would dream of being thinner.
In 2009, weighing 185 pounds (but again, just lost 10 pounds), my next door neighbor and I began a healthy journey together that lasted about 2 years. We worked out to many, many videos, trained for our first 5K race together, joined WW together and from that, I dropped about 20 pounds. Support and commitment to each other was incredible and we just kept plowing away at old behaviors and opening our minds to new challenges to conquer, but still never addressed my eating disorder.
By 2011, weighting 166, I hit a low point in my life despite working out steadily with my neighbor. For almost 2 years, my husband was laid off and we struggled financially and emotionally together. He was finally working again, but traveled a lot or worked 12 hours a day/7 days a week. I was lonely, tired, a little depressed, feeling sorry for myself and overall just fed up with everything. However, instead of throwing in the towel completely, I fought back and found a project to make my focus – ME! And this is when I hired my first-ever trainer and said “train me like a bodybuilder” because I wanted to lose 20 pounds.
But from that point on, the desire to just lose 20 pounds turned into something much bigger than I ever imagined and I kept going, even though I didn’t know where I was going either. Not with just losing weight, but understanding my personal issue with food, fixing my body hormonally, stop being scale obsessed and focus on cleaner-eating. Each milestone I conquered, I wanted more, and eventually help me stop living my life “being on a diet!” No more of “I’ll start Monday” or “I shouldn’t have eaten that, so I guess I’ll eat everything in sight as punishment” type of thinking. I had to deprogram old thinking/behaviors on everything I knew about weight/fat loss, keep an open mind and relearn who I was when not “dieting”, but just “living” life as a balanced lifestyle.
Mid way through my “change”, people would say, “You made it now” just because I lost some weight. What they didn’t realize (and some still don’t) is that I never thought “I made it” despite the weight loss because food still had CONTROL over me. I still lived in fear of food, withheld myself from eating things only to binge later on down the road, I still fluctuated with my weight, never felt balanced (emotionally or hormonally), still thinking negative thoughts and picking apart who I was. Basically, I was still letting my bodyweight /body image define my worth as a woman and a person. So, I still kept pushing forward and tackling whatever issue that decide to surface at that moment. I’ve learned so much about myself and what I am capable of doing, but sadly I also learned who my true friends are/were along the way. Many figured this was a fad and talked badly about me and I became an outsider because they didn’t understand my personal struggles/pain all this years. I finally woke up (mentally) and said, “Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results?” I knew I had to change everything I knew about weight loss, but little did I know it would change my entire well-being, inside and out.
Conclusion: At this point in my life, I feel emotionally calm, in control of my body/mind, and truly happy with whom I have become as a woman. I weigh 148 pounds with a complete change in body composition from fat loss/muscle gain! And today, I can PROUDLY claim that I’m a recovering emotional binger!! And while I am happy with that scale number and where I am at today, I am always looking to challenge myself one way or another (physically/mentally/emotionally). There is never a finish line with me, just stepping stones, destinations to reach and conquering untraveled paths. This is my lifestyle, my peace of mind that I’ve earned over the last 2 years. I still have some minor uphill battles to face at times, but that’s how life is, but at least I know how to cope and overcome them. Being a part of Team Fit and sharing with like-minded individuals through FB taught me I suffer from metabolism issues from all the yo-yo dieting, emotional binge eating and that I can correct the physical and emotional parts of me through consistency, hard work, determination, and of course clean-eating life style. I no longer think I’m “special” with “special issues” -- I was just wounded for many years.
Special thanks to:
Vicki Royer for developing Team Fit into one giant, ongoing Group Therapy session, to the members who’ve reached out to me and shared their experience/ knowledge in my time of need, and of course, to my hubby who saw the “thin girl” in me even when I was fat and ALWAYS stood by my side through my many tearful struggles and painful moments and let me blossom into what I am now. You are all a part of my success story, in some shape or form!
To be a part of TEAM FIT Click the link below
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